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Miscarriage

Such a difficult thing. I want to share something I wrote on my personal blog called 'These things happen':

On Friday we learned that our expected baby didn’t have a heartbeat. Devastated isn’t enough to cover the feeling of loss. I know that he didn’t have a life yet. I know that he wasn’t really a baby being so early in the pregnancy but that doesn’t make the loss any easier. I am trying to hold it together for Fran. The loss is felt most keenly be her; her body preparing itself for carrying and nurturing a new life and now just an empty void remains. How do you pull yourself together and move on? The simple answer is there is no other option:

He needs us. Entirely unaware and immune to what has happened. He is such a wonderfully happy child. He smiles and we smile. He is the reason why we pull ourselves together and move on.

It’s hard though. Her physical pain. Our emotional pain. I’m back at work and listening to well meant platitudes.

“It just was not meant to me.”

“These things happen.”

But that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s like people don’t know how to act, what to say. They’re waiting to respond but baby-loss is such an uncomfortable subject. People simply do not wish to talk about it.

So we share our grief with each other and with no other. I’m putting on a very brave face, but just this morning cuddling Lucas, dancing in the lounge, I cried. I smiled at my boy and I cried for the one who will never share cuddles. Never play in the sand. Never go out for walks. Never feel the wind in his hair. Never reach for comfort.

Good bye baby. We never knew you but we will love you forever.

One thing I found was that all the support went to Mum. I get it. She carried baby for three months. She nurtured that life. She went through the physical trauma of child loss.

But Dads hurt too. You're expected to just 'get on with it' and support your partner as best you can - and I did. But when people said to me, "these things happen" as a way of excusing/explaining and moving the conversation on to something easier to talk about; it hurt. Men don't cry, remember? We don't feel emotional pain. But we do. We do...
 

Lee

Administrator
Staff member
Admin Team
I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Unfortunately I can relate as we have also suffered a miscarriage several years ago of which I still carry the pain of now.

Like you say, all the support goes to the mother. I understand that and I agree, my wife deserved that support completely. But not one single person ever asked how I felt about the loss. Never got to grieve.

I took two weeks off work to look after my wife and family, I pretended everything was fine and ultimately it ended with a complete mental breakdown.

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you find and outlet for your pain soon.
 
That is horrible! While I know everyone says it, I am so very sorry this happened to you!

I went through what my husband and I believe was a miscarriage 2 months ago. I was 10-12 days late for my cycle and then it came all of a sudden. My cycle is always between 28 and 32 days which is considered regular. Since it was so early I don't think he felt it as much as I did. It was a hard thing I had to grieve.

You are grieving this is natural. You got 3 months along, that is much MUCH harder than what I had to go through. I don't blame you for feeling this just as much as your wife. This was a baby you both wanted and was taken away from you. That's sad.
 

ALLEGRA

Member
I understand how it feels. Its terrible.

I totally understand when you sat that RCH services are heavily biased towards mothers and there is no paternal component in it. This has to change and we need to move towards a more inclusive society.

However, the main focus will always be mothers because they undergo physiological changes that a man can never understand.
 

ZandraJoi

Active member
Thank you for sharing your story! I personally hate when people say Get on with it, Get over it... Even tho a man doesn't go thru the changes as the woman does, they are still there every step of the way & feel their own physical & psychological issues that are not to be swept away.
 
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