Mmmmmm today is an odd one, Im quite low and a bit anxious Depression 4, anxiety 5 out of 10. There is a reason for this, yesterday I did something that has been described as heroic, this has made me embaressed and the event has left me with the inevitable stress reaction . The event made social media and the news and my colleagues have been making constant hero jokes all evening, which incidentley where very funny and I took them in the spirit it was meant. But me, I feel like a great big fraud, I had no idea that I was going to be embroiled in the event in the high street or that it would recieve such publicity. Dont get me wrong I like a bit of hero worship as good as the next man, but the event is no different than what i do normally its just happened in full view of the public in the middle of the afternoon so was seen by a great many people. Even a search and rescue friend witnessed the event and has mentioned it. It is a good thing in some ways and I'm glad I was passing at the right moment and happened to be carrying my medical kit so could render the correct aid, and I would do it again in a heart beat but part of me is feeling a bit guilty that there was such a fuss. Im also feeling guilty because I actually have enjoyed some of the attention as well as being embarressed. Its a quandry, we don't want to be center of attention but ive found that there was a part of me that craves it, and that made me feel bad. It feels like I'm benefitting from the suffering of others and that isn't what i want.
I will probably be ok in a day or two as the stress emotions will lessen over that time and I will start to enrter the acceptance phase, as things settle down back to normal. But right now I'm vulnerable, vulnerable to doubt, to self criticism, over analysing and guilt. Depression is hovering in the back ground so i have took steps today to be kind to myself and take things easy.
I hope that you are all doing well and succeeding in your battles with mental illness I am going to sign off now and do some computer gaming and chill. Thanks for listening talk soon Agricola
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